-confused and afraid-

January 6, 2007

Just this morning when my mom have arrived from Pangasinan, with my tita and tito from canada, my mom told me that my tita have an offer for me to go canada to work. Just so I heard the news that I'm going out of the country, I suddenly felt frightened (nanginig) that I'm going out of the country to work without my family, especially my mom. Though it's a good opportunity for me to start off my life and create my own destiny, I still feel so afraid. Afraid that I may not make it, sa foreign country! (mamaya ma sarah balabagan ako da ba???). kumusta naman! to continue... sabi ko sa mudra ko na hindi pa ako handa, (i'm not yet prepared mother!) I'm thinking san ba ko hindi prepared??? to leave my family, to leave my girlfriend, to leave my country (nationalistic?) or to be alone?? Honestly, a part of everything. I feel so young to struggle my very vulnerable mind in a strange land. my God! baby pa ko!

So, with the news still in my head I went to bed to take a sleep-but I haven't slept really, doing some realizations what should I do, and what should I decide on. Really, half of me wants to grab the opportuniy and half just dont want to. How I would know that I'm gonna make a good decision.

Bakit nga ba kelangan umalis ng tao for a work sa ibang bansa? obviously because of financial issues-then big time ka pag nakarating ka sa ibang bansa-as mas big time ka pag nag succeed ka. Of course di mawawala ang reason na para sa pamilya.

Haay bakit kaya hindi tayo pinanganak in a silver plate? Bakit kaya may mga taong ipinanganak sa yaman, na kahit hindi na magtrabaho buong buhay nila eh walang problema? bakit may mahirap at may mayaman? bakit hindi tayo pinanganak ng pantay-pantay? para maging balance? pero bakit hindi nalang lahat e mayaman? bakit may iba't ibang status of living. para may maghirap at may nagpapasarap?

Bakit hindi nawawala ng pera sa problema ng bawat tao? Bakit kelangang pera ang maging batayan ng kapangyarihan sa society? Wag na tayong lumayo sa bahay lang eh, bakit kung sino ang kumikita sya ang nagdedesisyon? Bakit kaya? Ewan ko din kaya ko nga tinatanong, di mo ba pansin puro bakit? kasi di ko alam.

Haaay sa sobrang pag iisip super hapon na ko nakatulog at I Woke up late realizing that I have to meet up eith my girlfriend-7pm ang usapan I woke 6:35 (kumusta di ba) although I know that I'm late, I still continued my sleep until 7pm. Syempre super galit ang jowawi ko-she had to wait for me for an hour and a half. But before sya umuwi I had it fixed naman although nawala pa din sya sa mood because I told her that I might go somewhre else (talking about the abroad thing). Am I supposed to be happy dahil legal ang same sex relationship or marriage sa canada, and it's another advantage for me if I'll go there di ba? But then again I have to think ng sobra.

I can't really understand myself why I am confused wherein pag inisip ko eh mas marami akong advantage pag umalis ako kesa sa tantrums ko na natatakot lang ako.

But I'll wait for some signs. I hope God would give clear signs what I should do.

On my work e mejo patay para kaming sementeryo sa ingay! nakakabingi... nakakatamad, ayun naexcite ako sa first post ko at tinapos ko sya today and then I've given the link to prings! Hope she really like that post hahahaha!

I just hope I could have a firm decision soon....